Gender Change -Impact on a family.

Article by Anne Maybus, Clever Streak.

We hear stories about gender change on the news or read them in the press.  They talk of how difficult the decision was to make and how they felt during the whole process.  What they rarely talk about is the impact on the family. 

Recently Margie Robbins published a book on how her husband’s decision to become a woman affected her and his three sons.  Her experience was that while there was counselling and support for the person undergoing the change, there was very little for the family involved. Despite the huge impact such a decision and process had on her family Margie’s intention is for her book and experience to help others in her situation.

1 How did you find out that your husband wanted to become a woman?

After the birth of our second child, I found some ladies clothing in his cupboard that wasn’t mine.

At that time I don’t think he wanted to become a woman, but he certainly had a desire to cross dress in secret and did so when I was working evening shifts.  I don’t believe anyone decides this lightly or quickly, but like anything in life, if you feed a behaviour or thought, it will grow.  This was done in secret. He didn’t want me to know.

2. How did your family and friends react?

We discussed it ourselves. Family were not told about it at all. Initially it wasn’t a great problem, it didn’t change our relationship. We sought family planning support together with issues around our poor sex life and intimacy. This identity crisis became a key factor with our problem and a psychiatrist saw him on a regular basis. I remember the doctor saying something like we need to address this first (the identity behaviour) before we can deal with the other issues. We didn’t discuss his ongoing visits.  I didn’t see the clothes again. There didn’t seem to be a problem.

Friends didn’t know either, as we dealt with this.  This was his problem and he had done everything possible at that time for our marriage.

In 2007, (17 years later) he was having trouble with work. He wasn’t coping well. He was very unhappy, not wanting to socialise, fulfil his role commitments and needless to say we were not getting along. He was heading for a nervous breakdown.

A lot of time was spent in the bedroom in bed.  It was around this time that cross dressing occurred again. With a desire to “come out” to tell people, wear makeup and even asking me to help him.  After counselling and therapy (12months later), my husband wrote a letter to his family.

Like me, I think they went into damage control. It is a shock! Understanding is the hardest thing ever, I may have said some things but basically I was in damage control and I was seeking local support. All our family were many, many miles away, and we didn’t want to say anything except that he was unwell.

Family and friends don’t know what to say, and some say nothing. They cope, by staying away, avoiding the talk.  That’s what I found.  It’s very difficult. Even the help I sought through telephone counselling  could only put me in contact with Transgender people and I couldn’t cope with that. I was not ready for that.  We had a marriage a commitment to each other as husband and wife.

3. Explaining it to your kids must have been very difficult.  How did you do that?

One of the hardest things of all.  We had a marriage meltdown.

Things were no longer easy.  We did not agree upon anything regarding gender change with respect for children. The amount of information to be given, the content or the type of contact, all this was discussed, none of it was easy. We both wanted to be fair. How do you do that when you don’t agree with what the person has done or chooses to become?

It was very hard.

I would not allow for someone to say, “You know daddy doesn’t have a choice in all this. Daddy was born a woman, really”.  Children don’t need to hear this nor can they digest this information at a young age.  There is a duty to care for children within a family crisis. It’s not all about the parents.  It’s about the children. I’m not saying separate from the parents, I’m saying, they don’t need everything at once, and as adults we need to respect that despite how we feel.

We agreed on a counsellor for the children.

I have the story in my book.  Basically asking the children how they feel, what they want to see from their dad and we all got to respond. The children got to write things down and say those things. They were 11yrs, 10yrs and 5yrs at the time

 4. How are the boys coping?

They have adjusted in their own way.  They love their dad and have respect for her now as a woman. They spend time together when they want to. They take there girl friends along as well.  One Son is getting married this year.  The other has lots of friends a great social life and a girlfriend.  The third, well, he is a true teenager. He only sees himself in the world.  They are good boys
 
5. Do you think that their father’s sex change has affected their own  sexuality?

No, they are there own identities. I’m sure they have great insight, though, in “things that are different.” They have seen their father struggle with this. You would have to ask them. In time I expect they would be ready to share about their feelings.

For me, I see young men. Secure young men.  I have to believe that security and attachment as a young child /infant in early childhood has some influence in how we cope and the resilience built upon in your adult life.

I know they deeply saddened by it all. They understand this happens in life, and they know it has nothing to do with them. They are their own selves, healthy young men.
 
6. What sort of assistance, counselling or support did you have?

I had two episode of depression, since that time.  We all need to recognise we need help sometime. Someone to talk to, someone to help you sort through and problem solve, find some hope for a future. I will tap into professional help whenever I need to.

That’s how the book came about actually. It’s part of my healing.

I’m good for now. You do have these flashbacks though, there are triggers, and you have to learn to deal with them when they come.

I have some terrific friends who I know will be there for me when I need them.  I want to remain well. I want to move on from all this and I wish this also for her.

7. What were your feelings when your husband told you he wanted to change?

I have two responses

The Change…Firstly I take this to mean, when he said.  “God made a mistake; I was born to a girl.” I couldn’t fathom, or believe that. I felt as if the floor had disappeared from under my feet. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I hadn’t felt this, from within our relationship. I had no knowledge that this was what he had been thinking all these years.

It truly feels like you are falling through the floor, then trying to swim to the surface and being unable to keep your head above water.  It is pure shock! You think you are going to drown.

My fight and flight response was to go into protective mode. That is, you cannot process anything other than protecting, providing for every need for your children.  Not you, your children. You want to protect them from what they see, what they hear, what they feel.  That’s what stops you from dealing with the pain.  You don’t allow yourself to feel it.

You travel along in this cloud, even for years, until you fall through the floor again, a mess. That’s when you realise you haven’t dealt with the pain and you need professional help.

The second response is when he told me he wanted a sex change. He asked me this about a year after our separation. We were trying to be good parents where both of us weren’t coping very well.

He asked me, what did I think?  Why would he ask me that?

I believe he asked me, because he truly did care about me and I believe he was afraid of all that this would do.  My feelings were of sadness and NO!

There was never hate. I only saw my husband. I told him that I believed it was way too soon to be making any decision like this. This is an irreversible, no turning back decision, and you know, you don’t have counselling from any gender clinic doctors helping you to keep your marriage.  It was all about him, and his need to change.

This had the most devastating impact for me and I felt this for the boys as well.   It clearly was not my decision to make.

8. What are your feelings now?

Right now, this is tough even writing about it, attaching words for the feeling
I feel saddened, unhappy, unsettled at times.  It’s hard to accept that someone would choose to walk away from you, walk away from a life partner and beautiful children, all because of how they feel within themselves.

This person had extreme sadness about his identity. But Me! The wife, didn’t know this, I hadn’t recognised this in 17 years of marriage.
 
9. How did the change go?  It can’t be an easy thing for your husband to go through and then live with.

I guess this is where the questions really need to be answered by her.  Me, I see dysfunction. I don’t see a happy person. I see a super sensitive sad person.  But that’s me.

When I see her, I see my husband, dressed as a woman, looking like a man.
To have a sex change later in life, (past 40yrs) no matter how hard you try, the voice will remain, the adam’s apple is there, and the male skeletal system. It’s all there, along with the dress, shoes and makeup.  Relationships must be hard

 
10. Where to from here for you and your family?

There has been no happy ending. The pain doesn’t completely go away.  She lives her life, I live mine. Separate lives.

The children are becoming young adults and soon will all move out of home which leaves me on my own I guess. I’m confident, they will be ok.  I wish her all of life’s happiness. I hope she finds someone.

I too hope to start over. I can only hope that I will find a life partner to love, someone who will love me and want to be with me for the rest of my days. There has to be more for me.
 
11. Finally, what did you want to achieve by writing the book?

I want to help.

I want to share what I have been through as I know there are others who know similar pain.  I want to help people see what it has been for us, not just for the one wanting to change, but for the family, the whole family. An added bonus is that writing has been healing for me, helpful for my boys and my family. More than you know.

No one really wants to hurt and harm anyone in this unique situation. But we are all human and people do get hurt. I’m hoping this book can help people respond to families with a listening ear, to help and support, to be there even when you are unable to ever understand.  We all need each other to get through life.  We all need to know we are loved.

12. Where can we buy the book?

Bookpal is the publisher, they print on demand. www.bookpal.com.au
Bookpal have a global distribution.   I have a list of online stores on my weblink www.margierobbins.co.cc/ the product section.  It is in Qld State library and you can request this at your own local library

Now, for a final note. If you have read this article, you are one of few, who seek to understand, and I, thankyou.